Psalm 116:12 & 13

What shall I render to the LORD for all His benefits to me?

I want to list out my detailed plans for perfect repayment. For being the patient, put-together, prepared mother. the loving, excited and excitable wife. The eager learner, frequent servant, thoughtful friend, compassionate stranger. The tidy housekeeper and pleasant cook. "I will make you proud," I think, "you won't regret saving me."

But this is not the right answer to the gratitude question. This is pride. Not "Thank you for saving me." But "Thank you for giving me a second chance to save myself."

I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the Name of the LORD. 

Such utter simplicity, complete humility, grates against my Eve-Independence. But it is the truth, and I know it. I am naked and ashamed, hiding beneath my plans for perfection. In need of my Creator to be my Savior.

Oh God, you are my hope and my salvation. My "habitation of righteousness" (Jeremiah 50:7).

I believe. Help Thou mine unbelief.

I want to be unique, but I don't want to be alone

I've been thinking about my purpose lately. a lot really. And lately if you count the last few years. I love to write. that's not an exaggeration. I'm trying to limit my use of the word "love" in order for it's importance to shine when I do use it. But in this case, I really do love writing. When I stop writing, something in me stops breathing. It's like I'm under water, holding my breath, trying to sit on the bottom of the pool, and then suddenly I have to kick to the top, frantic. And that first gulp of air that also includes some water up my nose is that first sentence clumsily scrawled on the paper after days of holding it in. So naturally, in this day of books and ebooks and self-publishing and blogging, that little childhood dream of being a writer has surfaced again, and I think "perhaps I could. perhaps I should."

Another voice, insidiously sweet replies, "don't worry about it. someone else out there is already saying what you think and saying it better than you ever could. And her house is clean. Her kids are behaving. Her husband is happy with all that she does. And she works. And blogs. Oh and she blogs about her DIY "attempts" (read successful, spectacular designs), her home-cooked meals, and her heartfelt sentiments. So why bother?" That's the loudest voice.

I see blog after blog, read book after book, hear radio program after radio program. Women, submitting to God in their lives, doing remarkable and wonderful and beautifully painful things and writing about it all. What could I possibly add to that. But I have to breathe.

I hear authors respond to this same dilemma "it may already be said, but no one else can say it with your voice."

hmmm...

I remember in high school and college, desperately demanding that all my friends like the same foods, colors and styles, believe the same doctrines, listen to the same music. I remember despondent "funks" when two of a group would feel differently than I. Suddenly, adrift, uncertain, wondering how we could possibly be friends and what was wrong with me..or them...I recall too those times of solidarity. That sigh of relief that I was not the only girl who'd ever loved Mr. Wrong, changed her major, changed her mind, been a jerk, misunderstood someone, fallen asleep in class.

So I think there's some sort of tension here. A desire to do something that no one else can do, to be needed. to be significant as me. But there is also a desire to not do it alone. To know that someone else understands, has walked or is walking this road too.

today I'm singing Add to the Beauty by Sara Groves. That's what I want to do with each breathe that He gives....I want my redemption to add to the beauty.

it isn't what it was

Ezra 3:10-13
"And when the builders laid the foundation of the temple of the Lord, the priests in their vestments came forward with trumpets, and the Levites, the sons of Asaph, with cymbals, to praise the Lord, according to the directions of David king of Israel. And they sang responsively, praising and giving thanks to the Lord,
“For he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever toward Israel.”
And all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid. But many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers' houses, old men who had seen the first house, wept with a loud voice when they saw the foundation of this house being laid, though many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people's weeping, for the people shouted with a great shout, and the sound was heard far away." (emphasis mine)

It's November 27th. Less than one month until Christmas...let me calculate exactly....really, just 24 days until we leave for our Christmas Vacation. Holiday Readiness Status: Nill! Thanksgiving decorations litter the living room, kitchen and dining room. Christmas decorations still packed on the shelves in the basement. And Christmas presents? None. Not a single present done. I've thought alot about them. Planned them. Even written them down and bought crafting supplies. And all I keep thinking is "this time last year...." Last year was incredible. For whatever reason, I was on fire. Gifts planned and executed in time for November celebrations, end of November mailings, and Christmas gatherings on different December dates. I handmade almost everything. I marked off progress and completion on a detailed checklist. Most of all, I enjoyed it. I distinctly remember one day looking up from a project which engrossed me, and thinking to myself "I'd better get to work." Astonished, I realized, "I am working!"
Since then, I've assumed that would be my new normal for Christmas gift-giving. Starting in October, done by early December. Enjoying the whole thing. Forgetting no one. Ready for any last minute additions.
This year couldn't be more different. I don't know why. I keep looking for the circumstantial differences, and there just aren't any really. But this year, nothing's done. I've accumulated ideas and supplies all year long but have failed to execute any of them. I've got a list with deadlines already missed. And the sound of the impending Christmas bells makes me what to go hide in bed instead of tackle the gift-making projects head-on.
Yesterday, as I read this passage in Ezra, for the first time, I really identified with the old men who wept at the foundation of the new temple. They had seen Solomon's incredible temple, the size and opulence of it. And just sight of the new foundation, indicated how much less impressive this new temple would be. And yet, when you read in other parts of Scripture that refer to this time period such as Haggai, you see how critical it is that the people are building! They're finally obeying. And it's a new year. a new time. Things are different. But they're building and by building the House of the Lord, they are physically setting their priorities straight. God doesn't care about the size of the temple,what He wants is preeminence in their hearts. He owns the earth! He doesn't need a temple. But He desires that His people worship Him.
Last year, I began my preparations by putting Jesus at the top of the list and asking Him, "what do you want from me for Christmas?" As I worked and went about my days, that question kept me in line. It kept me from getting frantic or frustrated. It reminded me to put my children first, to set the projects down when they came home from school. It put the joy in my job when perfectionism threatened to steal it.
This year, I haven't asked. Jesus isn't on my list. Today, that's going to change. And maybe I'll weep because this year's gifts just aren't as great as last year's. But I'm going to put Him first this Christmas and get to working and worshiping in His Name.

This year's theme song for me: Eternal Gifts