A friend thinking of starting a family frankly states, "but I like to do what I want to do." And then optimistically comments that she's sure that'll change once the child arrives.
I hear the sarcastic laugh in my head and the sigh-sob of my heart as I reply "umm, no."
I thought that too at 25, pregnant with my firstborn, working full-time as a technical writer, serving at church on different teams, reading novels late into the nights, sleeping in on Saturdays, eating out frequently, hanging out with my husband when and where we felt like it. I thought that the "mom-gene" would just supplant that "me-gene." I would hold that baby in my arms for the first time and suddenly overwhelmed with maternal affection, I would never think of myself again.
9 years, 3 children, months of postpartum depression later, and a new career title of Stay-at-Home-Mom, I loudly shout "SO NOT SO!!!"
It turns out selfishness is an instinct as great or even greater than the maternal instinct. That "save myself" urge is strong naturally and even stronger the longer if it's been fed and encouraged. Learning then, in the early days of motherhood, I thought I had to be a totally different person. There was the BC me and the AC me, and whenever the two met, chaos and discontent ensued.
Now, after years of praying and weeping and putting Me on a diet, it's more like sloughing off dead skin. You know, when you get a pedicure, the salon technician cleans your feet every time. And she sloughs off the dead skin every time. Because new skin is always growing and to see and feel the health of that new skin, you've got to scrape off the old. And it's like with my selfishness too. Every day, sometimes, every hour, I feel as though God is scraping off a little bit of that old me that always put myself first. Instead of being someone different though (like I tried in the beginning), this is just rubbing off the dead so that the True Life can shine through. And it's a constant changing, an on-going cleaning. When I don't take the time to be still and let God slough the ugly off, I get rough and tough. I don't hear my children's hearts only their noise. I don't see their smiles or tears only their mess. And they don't see Jesus in their Mama. They see a dictator, a tyrant, a crazy woman pulling her hair out trying to maintain control.
So Friend, if you're waiting for the selfishness to die a natural death, forget about it. It has to be premeditated murder by your own hand. Stop feeding self now, and then be prepared to be pumice-d a lot by motherhood. And even if you do not experience motherhood, Friends, you still have to do this. It's the call of Christ to every single one of his followers regardless of season or situation--Deny yourself and take up the Cross of Christ. It is not a denial of who you are, it is an acceptance of who you were meant to be.
Take some time today, and as many days as you can, and sit still for a soul-cure. Sure, it's a little gross and a little painful, but it's so worth it to be cleansed and purified and to shine with the Life of Christ.
